


i'll open up for you

by ENBYJISUNG



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ChanLix, Comfort, Crying, Happy Ending, Hugging, M/M, Oneshot, Self-Harm, Soulmates, chan and felix dating, chan is supportive, chan nonbinary, chan succeeds to open him up, felix is basically me, felix is closed off, felix overthinks, honestly just a huge vent, lots of emotions, soft and painful, they/them pronouns chan, this was really comforting for me to write, trigger warning, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27546688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ENBYJISUNG/pseuds/ENBYJISUNG
Summary: felix uses unhealthy coping mechanisms to help forget about his constant overthinking.chan comes over and helps him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	i'll open up for you

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE keep in mind that this has descriptive self-harm, if you are struggling with this you are not alone. i'm currently in the midst of a relapse and i know how painful it is. if this fiction is going to trigger you i am advising you to not read on. 
> 
> i heavily connected myself and my own problems currently to felix. this was pretty much a vent i think. also chan is non-binary in this, this isn't me assuming he is in real life i just did it.

he'd experienced the thoughts prior, small spirals of voices telling him it'd help. that harming himself would block everything out. though before, he always backed out. he was aware it wasn't a healthy coping mechanism. but now, he didn't care what he did as long as it gave him something else to worry about.

felix would take his own wrist under the blade whenever he was dealing with never-ending thoughts. stress. his mind was clouded with so much pressure, so much tension that cutting his own skin relieved it. the comfort he's filled with when he's focused on something else is so grand. it's a high.

being in a relationship for the first time, he thought it'd be filled with butterflies and bittersweet moments. while it is pleasant and there are those times that he cherishes, he never imagined negativity would fog over most of his days. 

it felt like he was dating himself, not in the instance that his partner was too similar to him. in a way that he thought of himself from their perspective too often. felix believed that his partner saw him the same way he views himself. as a useless piece of junk. 

he's closed off because he's scared that if he opens up, everyone will be disgusted by him. he never thinks positively of himself nor does he love himself. felix assumes that his partner likely thinks of him this negatively as well.

felix doesn't understand how someone could love him, his head instantly makes him think it's fake. 

for now, the fragile boy is sitting on his bathroom floor. the cold tile pressed on the backend of his stretched out legs. he sits in silence, staring at the blade lifelessly lying in front of him. his mind ran frantically, he'd just got off of face time with his partner and felt like a fool. he could barely remain focused and probably appeared to be in a 'bitchy' mood. that wasn't the case of course but it's what felix believed.

without any dips of hesitation, felix grabbed the blade and gripped the dull end sternly. nothing went through his head as he continuously slid it through his tissue. it was a sense of freedom even if it was from his own self. 

numb. his head was numb, only dull wonders walking in his mind. he poorly cleansed his new wounds, not caring enough to properly do anything right now. he lived alone, a small apartment on the top floor of a slanted red brick building. self-care was the least of his worries seeing as nobody visited him.

his feet padded on the tile, hazily glancing at his figure and concluding it was horrific. pale skin, pink under eyes, sunken cheeks and flat pupils. a worthless mess.

his ears rang at an abrupt series of knocks pounding on the wood of his door. there was nothing he was expecting so he guessed it was a bored kid with nothing else to do. nevertheless, felix still slumped his tired body over and opened the door. his expression didn't falter but, he wasn't planning on seeing chan.

his partner, the person he convinced himself hates him. 

"hey, um, i'm sorry for just stopping by, i know i've come here uninvited i just am worried about you. you seem upset and i didn't know what else to do-" 

felix dove his face into chan's chest. he wasn't crying nor was he choked up, he was in pain. so much mental agony and he was drained. chan's arms wrapped securely around felix and for once, felix felt decent being next to them (chan). 

his face pressed into chan's shoulder and he didn't move a muscle to reciprocate the hug. just the way chan's hugs felt so nurturing, he couldn't do anything else but bask in it. it took minutes before felix pulled back. 

chan stood there, a small smile comforted on their pink lips. the ladder stepped to the side and let chan officially in, his place was a disaster. it certainly had been months since it was last cleaned. chan didn't mind though, they didn't judge felix for it either. 

"i'm sorry for that." felix mumbled and stood awkwardly beside his own couch. chan shook their head and smiled once more. felix begun to assume chan was disgusted by him now but it was the complete opposite. chan thought this, that felix, was beautiful. his entire being was a work of art in chan's eyes.

"i want you to feel comfortable with me. you can tell me anything, felix, i want to know everything about you." the two of them had now moved to sit on his couch. the thought of opening up scared felix, he wanted so desperately to feel comfortable but he couldn't. he'd always overthink it, too aggressively.

he shook his head 'no' and gazed down to his lap as his brown hair fell loosely over his eyes. suddenly chan was grasping felix' small hands in their own and forcing felix to look into their eyes. 

"you're human. and felix, you're the most beautiful human i know." chan was sincere, their eyes showed it. sparkles danced as they comfortably looked at felix. 

that was when felix felt his eyes well up, it was as if all this vulnerability was surging out of him. small tears made their way down his pale cheeks and he didn't try to catch them. chan reached up to swipe the cascades away with their thumbs, keeping their hands in place to cup his cheeks. they shifted forward and placed their lips on felix', it was a soft, meaningful kiss. felix needed a kiss like that, one that suffocated him with feelings.

once chan pulled back they swept up their hoodie sleeve. the movement was unexpected and caused felix to curiously look down. chan dryly gulped back the lump in their throat and let felix observe their wrist.

"i have scars too."

felix witnessed the various sizes of white lines dipping into chan's skin. self-harm scars that felix would have never guessed they'd have. it made him all the more stunned and he felt his heart skip a beat. 

"it took me so long to break this habit of mine, cutting. some days are harder than others but it's so worth it. stopping."

felix, almost instinctively, hid his own wrists by facing his arms towards his body. chan was still looking at him, even though felix' gaze was glued down, chan continued looking up. he didn't know how to react, he didn't even know he had been poorly hiding his addiction. he felt so unwell, his walls had been completely broken down. this was a side of himself he wasn't fond of showing. 

"...how?"

felix simply asked them how. how did they start? how did they stop? how did they know? it lingered in the air for a few moments before chan spoke up once more. felix, albeit still faced down, heard them out. 

"i started when i was in my sophomore year of highschool, i was so stressed and i felt worthless. i was a broken mess, so much was happening in my life at the time that cutting just made sense. it made me feel relieved, it made me feel something else. 

i did it for years, all the way up to my senior year. i had no sign of quitting until i met who, well, i thought was the love of my life. they helped me realize that life did have meaning and i needed to stop dwelling so much. 

when we broke up, i was lost again. i truly thought we would be together forever. i wanted so badly to harm myself again but, even then, i thought. i sat back and i thought of the helpful things that they had told me, things that helped me before. and i got over the urges and the relationship.

felix, i want you to know you aren't alone here. whatever is making you feel so poorly about yourself is entirely valid and i'll be right by your side. you can trust me now since i know you didn't have much in me before."

chan hadn't recognized the tears leaking from felix' sombre eyes. for the first time, felix felt like he was loved and capable of being loved. chan telling him their story and having enough courage to even show him their scars was enough to tell him that.

felix felt less alone, chan had described emotions that he feels constantly. it gave him hope that everything might be okay. someone right in front of him has dealt with what he's doing and it made them a stronger person. he let out a sob. it was so refreshing almost, sobbing in front of somebody.

"come here, baby,"

chan's arms opened up and felix fell into them. chan couldn't help but to smile. they knew felix needed this moment and it felt so good to finally crack open the boy. even though they'd only been together for six months, chan felt like they found their person once again. even if it would take felix longer to grow used to them, they would wait for him.

"it-it's so hard," felix mumbled out stuffily. his voice was croak and unpleasant to hear but he chose to not ponder on that fact. 

"i know it is, baby. it's so hard. but you are so strong. i know you are." chan rubbed soft circles into the other's back. the pair sits there for an elongated amount of time, felix trying to stop crying but also feeling so at home in chan's hold. chan letting it all happen and feeling at peace in the moment.

"i want you to toss your blades..." 

felix' breath faltered at the request but, he agreed and pulled back. he still wasn't sure how chan knew about his self harming experience and wanted to bring it up.

"how did you know?"

chan played a small smile on their lips.

"i've known for a while now, three months. and at first i didn't know if it was my place to barge in and say something. but, i realized that one of your problems was me. you know you bring up how you think i despise you so often, yeah?"

felix' expression turned apologetic. he hadn't recognized that throughout their entire relationship, felix continuously belittled himself. he made chan feel as if they were doing something to make him feel bad. chan knew it wasn't his intention though and waved him off. 

felix still apologized briefly and looked down at his lap. this all was such a sudden event, he felt himself winding down now.

"i understand completely, i know you never aimed for me to feel bad."

he nodded and stood up. hesitantly he reached his hand out for chan to grab. chan wrapped their own hand around his much smaller hand and let felix lead them to the restroom. today felix was finally making the same change chan made years before. he was going to attempt to get better.

he dropped their hand and made brief eye contact, he was worried this would end poorly. he was so terrified that he would end up relapsing and started second-guessing this situation. was trying even worth it?

"it's going to be okay, no matter what. it's healthy for you to at least try."

chan must have noticed the worry laced in felix' eyes. felix rolled the bathroom drawer open and grabbed the pack of mini razor blades he had lying in there. gone. he threw them in the bin as carelessly as he could. though on the inside it was paining him so harshly. he was scared but he was willing to keep going.

next he looked down at his own wrists, a galaxy of jarring red marks and pale white scars scattered all over them. chan watched adoringly, not that they thought the situation was light-hearted and cute but they thought it was so brave. it was a great visual of their lover overcoming his struggles.

"they're pretty." felix shot his head up, completely forgetting the other was stood there. 

"they're not, they're gross i hate them."

chan shook their head, no, and corrected him,

"i love them. and i love every bit of you. your scars aren't going to define you no matter how much you think they will. it's a part of your life that made you strong."

there felix was once more, crying. he rushed over and hugged chan, he couldn't get enough of their arms around him. 

"thank you, chan."

chan pressed a soft kiss onto the side of felix' head. it was enough for now, the sensation of chan hugging his small body. it'd keep him going for a while and he was over the moon grateful. grateful for his partner named chan.


End file.
